The Dow Jones Clown Commodity index has crashed. The legitimate, child-loving, flower-squirting entertainers are facing layoffs, unemployment, and a speculative future.
The creepy clown sighting phenomenon, known by some as killer clowns, continues to amass popularity across the continental United States, Canada, the UK, and beyond. Globally, professional clowns feel increasingly threatened by these devious, ill-willed impersonators, who are at once reckless, fearless, and impervious to threats of imprisonment, violence, or de-masking.
Locally, in Nova Scotia Canada, 61-year old professional clown, Miles Leahy, who goes by the name Milo T. Clown, has been in the business for 32 years. As vice president of ‘Clowns Canada’ (Canadian Clown Association), Bozo, I mean Milo, is heartbroken by the recent rash of creepy clown sightings, and fears the worst for professional clowns across the world;
“People have to remember these are not clowns. These are people dressed up in a clown costume who enjoy the power of being able to terrorize people.”
And he’s not alone.
Randy Christensen, president of the ‘World Clown Association’, has stated publicly that their clientele have experienced increased stigma, and a significant decline in bookings.
“The people dressing up are trying to scare people, no professional clown would ever take part in anything like that.”
Just what’s going on here?
Anti-social exuberance, domestic terrorism, or just pent up frustration for despisers of balloon animals and comically large feet?
Or is there something more sinister afoot?
Some attribute the phenomenon to a marketing campaign geared at promoting the film remake of Stephen King’s 1986 Novel ‘IT’, currently being filmed in Toronto. Remember Pennywise the creepy sewer clown? Who can forget Tim Curry as the insidious pale-faced ghoul, a character almost as frightening as Frank N. Furter from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. I shudder just thinking about it.
The producers of ‘IT’ have denied any culpability. Stephen King himself took to Twitter in an effort to quell the hysteria, and disassociate his involvement;
Pardon me Mr. King, but wasn’t IT you who created arguably the creepiest killer clown ever conceived? Also, did you not once remark: “I try to create sympathy for my characters, then turn the monsters loose.”
The monsters are loose Mr. King. Too late for absolution.
Whatever the reason, whatever the rationale, one must agree it takes a special kind of deviant to don a hideous costume, select a local park or playground, and ply their insidious trade on children, despite threats of bodily harm, incarceration, or worse. To date there have been multiple reported incidents of citizen-on-clown violence, including at least one shooting, but the provocations continue.
Then again, I don’t recall any such sightings in Texas.
Why is that I wonder?
Perhaps vigilantism is the short term answer. If a few of the goods ones, say Chuckles, Bobo or Happy the Clown, take to the streets to remind us of the benevolent, charming (less creepy) side of clowns, our irrational fears may be quelled. And should a street confrontation occur between rivals, some clown-on-clown violence may just be the ticket to deter the creepiest of the creeps. Let the Tammy Faye Bakker lookalikes fight it out. Winner take all.
Law enforcement is taking notice. Southern California is taking no chances and has banned clown costumes this upcoming Halloween. Even Ronald McDonald is taking an unpaid leave of absence, opting to disassociate himself from the golden arches until the glitter settles. Word is the Hamburgler is coming out of retirement to fill the temporary void.
I’ve also heard the NRA is looking to regain stature by weighing in on the crisis. Rumor has it they’re in deliberations to create a publicity advertisement featuring a buffed Charleton Heston squaring off against a Krusty the Clown/Michael Moore lookalike. That might just work.
At least one prominent professor of Socialism has said “2016 is a bad time to be a professional clown’.
Whatever the end game, I surmise a career in clowning has moved up a notch in the ranking of the world’s most dangerous professions, closing in fast on Arctic Lobster fishing and Ice-road Truckers.
I predict a new reality series on the horizon.
But I digress.
Now might be a good time for legitimate clowns to reassess their career choice, branch out, or at least renegotiate their life insurance policies.
I say this in all seriousness, no clowning around.
Until next time,