11 Things I Won’t Miss in the Apocalypse

Posted on by Mike Senczyszak in The Kitchen Sink

thunderdome_apocalypse-2Be it nuclear war, mega-virus, zombies, alien invasion, Rapture, what have you, I’ve acquired enough knowledge through books and film to realize surviving an apocalypse will not be without its challenges.  Sufficed to say, as I’ve grown older, my affinity for leisure time, luxuries, and general self-indulgence, has taken precedence over sweat, toil and sacrifice.

Which could pose a problem, should a great thinning of the herd occur.  Taking into account I’m not immediately thinned, of course.  Otherwise there’s no problem.

In the post-apocalyptic world, aside from mass depravity, stench & decay, mutants and questionably fashioned foes, there will be few amenities, few indulgences, less ‘me time’.

Of this I am sure.  Hollywood doesn’t lie.

the roadHowever, instead of being a pessimist, instead of siding with the masses, I thought I’d turn the tables on pending oblivion, and look at the potential benefits.  Life and survival are about preparedness, how we choose to perceive, how we internalize, how we react.  Do we see only the dark, or is there a glint of something more?

Is the glass half empty or half full?  Is the water safe, or radioactive?

After some thought, I concluded that an alternate approach was preferable.  In that vein I compiled a short list of some of the things I will not miss in the apocalypse.  Now I realize the specificities of society’s collapse will differ, dependent on various factors, however for argument’s sake, I’m adopting your standard, run-of-the-mill, world-class demise; collapsed electrical grid, mass destruction, suffering, chaos, leather bondage attire.

Here we go.

Things I will not miss in the apocalypse.

Monday Mornings
Calendars and day planners will become relics of a forgotten world.  Sunday evenings will be enjoyable, once again.

Crowds
Self explanatory.

My Blog
Unless of course society evolves into a chapter from David Brin’s ‘The Postman’, in which case I can utilize the services of Kevin Costner and crew to keep my irresistible musings afloat.

Watching My Cholesterol and Blood Sugar
 I trap a squirrel, I eat a squirrel.  I find a box of Twinkies, I’m in, elbows deep.

Nut-Allergy Nazis
While I empathize, I don’t want to be banished from Bartertown for eating a Snickers.

Doing Laundry
 I’m okay wearing rags.  Once a year, down by the river with a rock, is an acceptable laundering schedule.

Facebook
 While the great purge may eradicate a sizeable portion of questionable ‘friends’, I fear those left will still continue to fill my news feed with food photos of their meals (i.e. mystery can of celery soup).

Paying Income Tax
 It’s inevitable a bartering system will evolve requiring a percentage of your homemade toilet paper or canned tree bark, but it should take a while.

Jehovah’s Witnesses
Considering we’ll probably be shooting one another on site initially, I suspect this activity will diminish.

Fast and Furious Movies
Enough is enough.

80’s Bands Reunion Tours
 Depeche Mode, ABBA, REO Speedwagon.  This has to end.  And while an apocalypse is a bit extreme, if that’s what it takes, so be it.

And there you have it.

Any thoughts?  I’d love to hear from you.

Until next time,

52 thoughts on “11 Things I Won’t Miss in the Apocalypse”

  2. Holy hell, Mike! This was comedy gold! I wish I would have thought of this gem.
    You have managed to capture quite a few activities that I won’t miss. However, what about no more Batman or super heroes films ever?
    The world is already game over, these guys didn’t show up, so I am good with banishing them forever.
    Making time for cardio- since I am already foraging for food, fighting deadites with some sort of medieval weaponry, this category sort of takes care of itself.
    Yeah, no more trends. I won’t have to deal with trying to keep up with the Kardashians or anorexic bimbo starlets because they will have been annihilated. Problem solved.
    Great blog! 👍👍

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    1. Yes, those who survive to tell the tale are the true super heroes. I contemplated the fitness aspect, but I figured I’d have a 6-pac in no time without even trying. I just wonder how some of the survivors in the movies manage to maintain their bodybuilder massive physiques. That’s 3 hours a day in the gym and lots of protein. Doesn’t add up.
      Thanks Susan, as always I look forward to your comments!

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  3. As I look across the city at the great unwashed I think that the apocalypse has already started as they wander around aimlessly. To that end I have started to stockpile tins of spaghetti hoops.

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    1. Brilliant. Word of advice, label the tins with marker, apparently in the apocalypse it’s common for labels to fall off. And I agree, people wandering about in a semi-zombified state already, we’ve not far to go! Cheers, thanks for visiting!

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  5. Optimism in the face of species obliteration, I like your positive spin on things 🙂 I won’t miss worrying about whether I look scruffy or not (I usually do) and wondering why people are staring at me oddly (maybe because I’m too scruffy) and rush hour (although judging by films, rush hour will be replaced by lots of cars slowly rusting in the middle of the road, which could be deemed as worse). I await the apocalypse eagerly.

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    1. Like the song from Monty Python’s ‘Life of Brian’, Always look at the bright side of Life. And yes, personal hygiene and appearance will not be such a concern, so we can all sleep in a bit later every morning. Cheers, thanks for commenting!

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  7. Haha! Good one Mike. I can’t think of anything now that I won’t miss, but you’ve covered most of the things. Maybe waiting in line or does that fall under crowds. I think when the herd thinning starts everything is free and there will be no more lines. Might need to fight someone for something, but hey, it’s part of the apocalypse experience.

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    1. Black Friday shopping at Best Buy or Walmart might be a good place to get some training in. If you can make it out with a 50″ Samsung TV intact, you’re ahead of the curve. Cheers Lorenza, always a pleasure!

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  10. Too funny. and great post. Fast and furious film how many there is to come same shit with different faces once in a while. 8à’s band reunion tour gets on my nerves. Crowds yes I hate it myself. I like to breath a little. I think I will miss my blog and films. Facebook yeah! I won’t miss it. Wine, beer and Cheese I will miss. And a nice piece of ass I will miss also the rest I can do without.

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    1. Sounds about right. Wine, beer and spirits, definitely missed, that’s for sure. I love cheese also, but I’d be bartering away my slab of Gorgonzola for a half bottle of home brew Rum. Cheers, thanks for commenting!

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  11. Great one, Mike. I agree with all of them… I think. 🙂 Oh, but there are so many others. Where to start? Can I first request that the people I won’t miss not survive the apocalypse? Ha-ha!

    Let’s see… Bosses (because they don’t know how to be leaders); bad drivers (because really they shouldn’t survive); wannabes (all kinds), especially men and women who think they are “all that” and wannabe gods like Beyonce (I’m sorry, Beyonce fans; I don’t mind some of the music but really, get over yourself already); chairman of our HOA; parasites (people parasites, that is); evil people especially the ones who commit horrid crimes against children.

    And please say traditional government/politicians will be replaced by a better one, more like the kind in my utopian world.

    On the light side of life 🙂 – traffic (is that light?); shopping malls… can’t think of more now, it’s a Monday morning after all and life is serious.

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    1. Great list Anne! I like that you added your HOA chairman. I’ve had a couple of run-ins with our HOA rep in Florida, too funny! And yes, it’s Monday once again, unfortunately, but we’re headed to Florida as of Saturday (our March Break), so as the week progresses, things are looking up. Here’s to hanging out in the apocalypse (I’m a good driver, and I don’t listen to Beyoncé). Cheers!

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      1. Ah, great minds think alike. And yes, definitely cheers to us good drivers and non-Beyoncé-loving individuals surviving the apocalypse!
        I’m now officially jealous. Do say hello to our friends in Florida. 🙂 Have a wonderful time! A break is always, always fabulous!

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    1. Wow, thanks for that John, much appreciated. I’m not always confident my material will go over well, which sometimes leads to rewrites and over editing, but in the end you just have to hit publish and move on. Thanks again for the wonderful comment, it made my evening!

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      4. I hope one day you submit a post at Two drops of ink or guest post at my blog if I ever get it going to my liking, LOL. I started looking into your work when I saw you had liked one of my posts there and at my blog. I started reading your material and immediately enjoyed your sense of humor. Just wanted to share my thoughts. Thanks Mike! JG

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  14. When I read this post, I was in need of a good laugh. Especially that part about doing “laundry down by the river with a rock”!!!! Hilarious. 🙂 Thanks so much! This was awesome!!!

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